IN LOVING MEMORY
Bobbie "Tookie" Kitty Cat
Bobbie "Tookie" Kitty Cat1991-2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
Strange Things have Come upon This land
Hear Ye! Hear Ye! One and all, Today it was brought forth unto the world that a loathsome nymph has brought death unto the kingdom of Shakopee! Well enough of that crap! in plain English...A woman dressed as a fairy was blamed for the death of patrons at the Shakopee Renaissance fair today. Apparently, this was not the first time that Edith Gurgunskrap has killed at the fair. "I have seen her shove her pipe whistles up the anus of 5 men" stated a Sussex Knave named Gerald Papainski of Clontarf, MN. "I she lures them into a tent, starts playing her flute and gives them a shot of "Old Crow" whiskey!" They pass out and then she shoves her fife pipe up there rectum until it comes out there mouth. I seen it I tells ya'". Moments later Papainski, vomited all over himself, and began aspirating on his own vomit. A small child dressed as a street urchin came by and swiftly kicked him in the crotch screaming " EEE's possessed! EEE's Possessed!" which brought the local friar to the scene. Wasting no time, the friar pulled a large sharpened bone from beneath his cloak and shanked Papainski, while hollering "The power of Christ compels Me! Out 'ye' spirit of darkness!" The street urchin screamed with glee and ran up to Papinski, scooping up handfuls of blood and vomit , placing them in a bowl, and ran off gleefully shouting..."I have supper Mommy! Supper! We shall dine as do kings in the mighty castle doeth tonight!" Unfortunately before the boy reached the awaiting open arms of his mother, an arrow pierced through his head splattering her apron with her child’s blood. "Huzzah! My fair lady" bellowed a knight on horseback " I have rid you of the shackles of motherhood, hop aboard my mighty steed and we shall live life to the fullest as lovers!" In shock the mother ripped the arrow from her child's skull screaming "What the F**K! This is a Goddamn Fair You ASS! We aren't really in 1539...Are you F**King Crazy!" she quickly dialed 911 on her cel phone and within moments two men dressed as lackeys ran up to her with a stretcher, loaded the boy onto it and raced of screaming siren like noises. Unfortunately, due to the noises of the fair, no one heard the makeshift medics and it took them 45 minutes to get the child to the awaiting ambulance, where upon he was pronounced dead, disrobed and thrown into a ditch where local starving dogs ripped the child’s corpse to shreds and feasted upon his flesh.
Once the mother arrived at the ambulance she was pointed to ward the dogs and informed of her child’s fate. Bewildered and in shock, the woman walked over to the dogs, whereupon she was attacked and ripped to shreds, and eaten alive. Several misguided youths laughed hysterically at the scene and started taunting and pushing each other until a full on fight broke out. An old man pushing a dung cart, cackling with glee screamed " I love to watch boys fight! and began drooling uncontroably. The old man then pushed his cart into the Malay, cackling all the louder and forced the boys into the dog pit, and they were also ripped to shreds by the dogs. "I Like watching dogs EAT, even more than watching boys fight!" he cackled.. and raced off into the crowd.
Meanwhile, the fairy Edith Gurgenskrap was handcuffed and loaded into a police cruiser, after she was beaten mercilessly with clubs and nightsticks by the Shakopee police department. When asked why Gurgenskrap was being arrested, the supervising officer replied "FISH!" and drove off in the police cruiser with an unconscious Gurgenskrap in the back.
So, will you come join us tomorrow and partake in the festivities at the fair?
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